Zugzwang in Palliative Care

You never truly know who your next patient will be, and sometimes it turns out to be someone who left a lasting mark on your life.

I was stunned when I saw his name on the ward chart today. Standing before me was a prominent figure from our local chess fraternity - a stern educator and team leader from our fiercest rival school 20 years ago. Truth be told, back then, we didn't particularly like him. He was an alpha male who is tough, uncompromising, and determined to win.

Fast forward two decades, and the boards have completely flipped. Our palliative care team was called in to support him as he faces a life-limiting illness, having exhausted most treatment options.

When I first walked in and greeted him, I honestly didn’t know what to say. The room felt heavy with uncomfortable silence. I have been doing serious illness conversations for years, but this caught me off guard. How to bridge the gap between a stern rival mentor from my youth with a proud man facing his quietest, hardest trial is still the question lingering in my mind.

We exchanged a few moments and had a very simple chat on how I could make him feel better. No long stories, no chit chat, just straight to the point. His face suggested that he was keeping all his thoughts to himself.

I left in a jiffy, looking forward to meeting his son coming back from overseas on Monday to talk about future care plans.

Medicine constantly reminds us that life comes full circle. You never know who will be sitting on the other side of the consultation room.

把自己留给自己

有时候，捉得越紧，失去的反而更多。

曾经懵懂及迷茫的我会觉得，只要足够努力，就一定会有回报。

后来才发现，有些感情不是慢慢地变淡，而是一下子用力过猛然后碎掉的。你以为对方很认真的看待你，但其实你只是带着自我良好的感觉一步步走进她的世界。

于是，你很认真的回信息，语气会小心揣摩，深怕看漏了什么暗语或情绪。手机一响，就会不自觉的以为是她发信息了。你频密的想起对方，很想知道对方在干什么，甚至去猜她有没有在想你。心情的起伏就被手机的推送通知牵着，像坐上一趟不稳定的过山车。

喜欢一个人的时候，人总会不自觉的加速，好像慢一点就会错过了些什么似的。你努力的表现自己，想在她的心中一直成为第一名，成为她最喜欢的人。有时不知觉中就因为频繁的发信息让对方逐渐对你产生反感。你因为想和她有更多共同话题，培养了很多和她一样的兴趣，最后连自己的生活节奏，开始偏离原来的轨道。

但是感情从来都不是物理学，没有等量交换的守恒定律：你抓得越紧其实反而越容易失去。等你回过神的时候，才发现自己的生活脱轨了。你的一厢情愿，并没有让她对你更好，也没有巩固你在她心中的地位。

关系不一定是被时间冲淡的，可能只是注意力转移了。你不过某一天醒来，发现她回信息的速度变慢了，语气变轻了，关心变少了。字里行间，少了温度，多了冷漠。你为她找了理由：她可能只是忙，她可能只是累，她可能只是...不太想说话。你替她的冷漠解释得很完整，最后连自己都快信了。

她从来都没有离开，只是你太沉迷。最难的不是不爱，是在爱里留一点自己。留一点沉默，留一点退路，留一点不必被回应也能安放的喜欢。